Monday, 5 September 2016

Even women who can not cook don't like it-Bishop Charles and Caro Ighile

Bishop Charles Ighile is the General Superintendent of The Holy Spirit Mission Church (The Happy Family Chapel). Bishop Ighile who together with his wife Rev. Caro Ighile run the church that has over sixty branches, also together through their syndicated marriage and relationship programme on television have touched many lives and restored thousands of relationships. In a recent interview, the couple spoke extensively on why many men sleep with their maids, why many marriages are daily crashing among other problems in relationships. They also proffered solutions on how people suffering from any of the problems could over come them among other interesting issues you need to know inorder to have a successful relationship. Read the insightful interview below.. .

What brought about the idea of marriage counseling?

It’s a gift that God gave me and my wife, who is sitting here with me. It’s a gift, which requires a measure of wisdom. We found more and more people coming to us for counseling. We started many marriage related programmes and people always come back to thank us.

The vision also came that we should take the message to television to reach more people. We really wanted people to be blessed. We have never been interested in popularity. All we have always wanted is for people to be blessed.

Can you share with us the most difficult marital issue you have handled?

They are many. I could remember receiving a call many years ago before the advent of GSM, a woman called and told me how fed up she was in her marriage as regards a child that her husband had outside marriage, and she is the legitimate wife. She was really fuming. The marriage was in serious distress from the way she sounded and the things she said. So, I counselled her. We chatted for more than an hour. About a year later, my counselling line rang and I picked. It was a top army officer on the line. He introduced himself and told me that about that time last year, his wife phoned over an issue. He said he was in another room and picked the extension to listen to the call from the other end.

He said that what I told his wife was very matured and he thanked me for saving his marriage. He then said, anyway I’m phoning you for another advice. We laughed. It made me so happy. There have been many instances as that. Many marriages that had crashed have been revived. Many cases owing to one reason or another such as a woman accusing her husband of sleeping with their househelp and, therefore, it’s over because she felt disappointed.

So many cases with odd reasons. We’ve had cases of the man or woman having H.I.V without the other person knowing her/his status and so on and so forth. Things that ordinarily will never bring a marriage together. We’ve been able to help restore such marriage.

What do you think is the cause of many men sleeping with their househelps, because this seems to be rampant nowadays?

You see, the issue of men sleeping with their househelps is rampant as you’ve rightly said. I will let my wife respond to that

(Caro Ighile responds): Men sleep with their househelps when the couple are not on their guards. We are talking about God-fearing men here, who would not ordinarily sleep with their househelps, but somehow find themselves doing it. There is always a division of labour in the home. As the Bible puts it, the man is the head of the home and the woman is the helper. She is the keeper at home. Therefore, according to the Bible, everything about the domestic affairs is for the woman. From what God Himself told Haggai in the Bible when her househelp ran away, God asked her, “why are you running away from your mistress…Go and submit yourself to her.” Therefore, the househelp is under the woman. She submits to the woman. When a maid needs to buy things such as undies, body cream,make her hair or she has to report to the man when she is seeing her period, then there is going to be problem. When it is the man now asking the girl, ‘what’s wrong with you?’, why are you sad?

“Do you have tummy ache? Ok, come and see me in the room’ etc. There is fire on the mountain. There are certain boundaries that must be set in the home. When the woman fails to take charge of her responsibilities and passes them to the house help and the husband takes them up. She is setting up the husband for temptation.

Even if the husband pays the girl’s salary, he must give it to the wife. Also in cooking, it should never get to a level where the househelp is asking the husband, “Daddy, what would you eat today?” So you must know where to draw the line.

Also, in terms of dress, appropriate dressing must be enforced in the home. A man is enticed by what he sees, therefore, the woman must not allow the househelp to dress indecently in such a way that all her contours are revealed and everything is dangling around the house because the man may be tempted even when he didn’t plan it.

So the couple must have rules in the house, as you cannot just come into the kitchen or sitting room with only your nighties on or tie a towel or wrapper around your waist moving around the house. Those are troubles for the man. He should not say, “oh, she is only 14, there is nothing she can do”.

“No, she is a woman and the man seeing her nakedness could be thrown off balance. Sometimes, the househelp themselves could be cunning. She wants to seduce the man. So, a man must be very careful. Then, the man must show his wife love all the time. The housegirl must not be allowed to see cracks in their marriage. The husband must not disrespect his wife anytime, especially in the presence of the girl, such as shouting on the wife and so on. Doing that will make the girl lose respect for the woman. These are just a few of the very many reasons men sleep with their househelps. If you as the man begins to find yourself attracted to the househelp, just send her away.

(Bishop Ighile chips in) As my wife said, when you begin to have feelings for your househelp, the best solution is to pay her off and let her go. If you are a man who wants to save your marriage and wants to honour your marriage and God, let your housegirl go. I know that when a man begins to have feelings towards a woman, his defenses weaken so the strength to even send her away is no where to be found. But struggle with your weakness to send her away. I have handled a case as that where the man has already slept with the househelp. Interestingly, the wife is by far more beautiful, but it’s not a matter of beauty now, it’s a matter of the more you live with somebody the more you see something that attracts you to the person which outsiders might not see.

Thank God the man was able to summon courage and confessed to me. The case was handled by my wife and I. I told him, this is how we are going to handle it; “you would go home and then make some noise and insist your wife pays the girl off and send the girl away. Harp on some of the faults of the girl and insist she must go. Excuses, such as this girl doesn’t cook on time, etc make noise about those petty faults and let her send her away”. Ofcourse, we both knew that that’s not the main reason. The main reason can not be told the wife. He already started a relationship with the girl, but the wife must not know. That was the only solution that saved that marriage.

Another case as that we handled was a married woman who was in love with a boy. She couldn’t help herself anymore and the boy knew. So, when the boy came around, the woman’s defenses would be weakened. So one day, the boy helped her and kissed her and she couldn’t resist. She was happy too. She began to be scared knowing that she is in trouble already. She came to me after somebody directed her.

She asked, “what should I do Pastor I’m in trouble, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I said ok, this is what you will do. When next the guy comes to your shop, give him a shocker, make noise, cause some drama and embarrass him. Scream at him”.

So she said when he came the next time, she shouted at him and screamed, “get out of here, you boys coming to people’s business to cause trouble and wreak havoc, don’t let me see you around this premises again before I open my eyes, blah blah blah”. So, the woman screamed at the boy and other business owners came around, asking what the problem was, but she told them to just chase the out out of that environment.

And that was how the guy left. She said the young man was shocked. She came back to tell me that when the guy was at a distance, he looked back and saw the embarrassment on his face, then she began to feel for him again and started missing him.

She said she  felt like running after him to beg him to come back. But she said she couldn’t because of the shame as people would think she was mad. She actually thought she was in love. Even up to a week or two, she was not herself, but after the weeks of having a feeling of agony of not seeing the boy again, her eyes cleared.

She became normal and realised that it wasn’t love but infatuation, that was at work.  So, she again came back to thank me. When you find yourself in such a situation, with your househelp, or anyone. As you are getting attracted to your secretary or worker or a colleague in the office, just know that it’s a false world you are in. It’s never a true love. Just ask yourself, how can I get out of this false world?

How do you know a wife material?

You know a wife material. Everyone knows a wife material. You know them by their ways and characters. Most men know a wife material, but they get carried away by the wrong things. The Bible says, by their fruits you will know them. One of the best ways for a man to know a wife material is through interaction with the woman. It’s not hard at all. But a wife material is a wife material.

Many men of marriage age are no longer getting married because they complain that Nigerian women don’t want to settle for a struggling guy. What should be the level of a guys financial strength before getting married or before a lady accepts to marry him?

There are different types of women. You who wants to get married, what is your taste? It starts from you who goes to search for a wife. Are you the greedy type who wants a flashy lady? When you go to pick a happening lady and say you want to marry her, then you will have problems because your salary will become a peanut to her.

Are you also the kind of guy who says you have to hit it big before you can settle down? All this must be considered. But if you truly want a wife, you will get a wife. You only have to go for a wife material.

Anybody can get married anyway, according to the Bible. Marriage is not only for the rich. As long as you have some income and a roof over your head. Even if it’s only a room. Then you plan a better life with your wife. You harness her pay and yours to build a life. So, you cut your coat according to your cloth, not your body size.

What do you also want to say about ladies and men who turn down good prospective partners because of physical attributes, such as he or she is short, not tall enough or doesn’t have six pacs?

When you go to buy a tin of milk, do you buy the tin or the milk?

The milk, ofcourse. So, this is physical. You, as a guy, are not marrying a woman because she is size this or size that. The Bible says, beauty is vain, but a woman that fears the Lord is blessed. So, you look beyond the container and focus on the character. Ask yourself, who is occupying this fine container? If you marry a beautiful woman, with a bad character, you will run to the rooftop later, that’s what the Bible said.

It is better to stay at the roof top than be In the house with a growling woman. When she starts showing bad characters, you will not see her beauty again. So, make sure that beautiful woman has good character. Same applies to a good looking man. But, you might just find a not so beautiful woman with a unique character that brings you peace of mind. So, you ask yourself, what do you really need?

How do you differentiate between infatuation and love?

Infatuation is a feeling, love is a character. Many people often reverse that. To them, love is a feeling. Infatuation is a feeling. Once you see the person, you can no longer eat nor sleep. Your system becomes disturbed. You are talking to her 24/7. Give yourself a break. 3months, 6months, one year or even more. It will go. It’s not real. It will go. But, if you studies a lady, you would see what she is made of. Her values and so on; we can say infatuation is temporary, it has expiry date as every product.

In love, you fall in love with the person’s character. You might physically be attracted to the person at first, then you begin to be more attracted to the content of that person. So that even when you get married to that person and she is growing fat, you don’t care because she has those good contents that keep you loving her.

There was a controversy on social media recently about men not marrying women who can’t cook, what’s your take on this?

It was Pastor Adeboye, who said that,but the man of God has said that the message is not for everybody. He was talking to his church members. What many don’t realise is that as ministers of God, we know the state of our members. We know where we want them to be, so we counsel within that context. Pastor Adeboye said that within the context of the Redeem.

But from a Pastor point of view, what’s your take generally?

The thing is that it is good for a woman to know how to cook. You find a woman, who you love so much, but she can’t make you food, as a young man how would you feel? And I know you’d like good food(laughs). So, I know that you would want to teach her to cook. Pastor Adeboye didn’t say you can’t teach your woman how to cook. People should not get it wrong.

Cooking is teachable. Most woman gets better with cooking. You can learn cooking with practice. So, if you think you can teach your wife how to cook or get her to go learn it somewhere, that means you still agree with Pastor Adeboye. Even my wife, cooks better now than when we first met. People learn on the job. You get better everyday with practice. Even women who don’t know how to cook don’t like it. Initially, you may be good with making only stew, but not much good at making vegetable soup. However, later your vegetable cooking skills could be better.

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